Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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