if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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