Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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