i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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