Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
