Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you inspire me to be a worse person
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
