i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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