I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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