i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
