Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
