I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
