Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
