Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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