just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
