Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
