I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
