i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
