I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I did not marry a roomba.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
