I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
