Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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