I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
