my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
