Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
