Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
