The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
