I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
