Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
