M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We talked him into tasing himself.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
