idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
vagina is talking i cant
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
