just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
