Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
