This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Randomize
