you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
