How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
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