wanna go halves on a baby?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
