just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
