Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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