My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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