Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
