I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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