I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
