I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
