That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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