I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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