Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
