i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
