I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
