it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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