I will die if light touches me.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
