apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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