so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
