I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
